Ho Industries

Futility of fear

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:55:11 GMT

Indeed, why concern the self with the fear of monstrosity? Neither this world nor the Lord are concerned with ineffectual, repeated self-flagellation. 'Tis a truth I am struggling to learn. Complacency, whether it be pride in a good habit or a bad one, is never easy to shake off. In such case, the concern is not about beating up the self, but about being a better person, and not just in projecting an image but in genuinely improving. Impressing others really should be a secondary priority, if not tertiary or even less, since some of the personally important people may not know or care about your existence. It's okay. There's no need to fret about this. 'Tis another truth I am learning. In some way it is reassuring and liberating, odd though it may seem.

Weakness

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:13:37 GMT

A show I caught on TVmobile today struck me - are we that weak? Are we that constrained by our unwittingly imposed limitations that we are paralysing by the slightest doubting of our abilities? Certainly almost all people seek to do what they think is right, even if their "right" may not be the commonly accepted "right". We're not even talking about lofty goals like heroism here, but merely "right" and "wrong" things. Maybe it's time I stop thinking I can be responsible about things, for a sense of right and wrong is so... well, I wish the path were easier. They say Evil Is Easy, and ask that we grow not weary of doing good. How true.

Father in Heaven willing, I will stay on the narrow path. But I don't know how.

Cry more.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:19:17 GMT

Do we cry for ourselves? Perhaps you wonder why I ask this question. Perhaps I wonder myself, too. Sometimes things just... just get to us. Maybe, even below and beyond the lofty desire to be a hero, the demands of walking the narrow path and being the good man are not things everyone can live up to.

The Journey, the key?

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:46:32 GMT

Maybe the victory is not in the end result. The quest for what is currently unattainable drives us to greater heights, that though we miss the stars, we reach the planets? Or is there more to the issue than that?

Answerability

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:17:33 GMT

I am tired of being answerable to the world around me. There may be disadvantages, but there are also advantages to not being bothered in this fashion. It's plain tempting to disavow the beast that is responsibility.

Pavlov

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:33:16 GMT

But if you can get dogs to salivate by associating a ringing bell with food, then surely you can associate getting tempted with pain, and therefore make one lose the desire for what would normally be tempting.

It's so difficult some times to obey the calling to "honour your father and mother". So damn difficult.

TP was shit

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:13:26 GMT

48 points, that a frakkin' record?

Ruminations

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:23:41 GMT

I may regret too much too easily. If I am to hold beliefs I should not snap and run away from them at the slightest questioning.

The human body is weak. If it was more low-maintenance than it currently is, I have little doubt that quite a few problematic illnesses would be non-issues.

Also, I never selected Psychology for the express purpose of helping others; it was first and foremost to help myself. Anyone else who gets aided in the progress is merely a bonus. Get that straight.

Unsung

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:18:40 GMT

It takes a while to realise, but eventually you understand that sometimes the objects of your affection will not reciprocate. That's okay. No one can win them all but the Father of Creation. The unsung and unappreciated are everywhere. Though it weigh on us that our efforts go unnoticed, seemingly unconsequential, we should not find ourselves... heh... thirsty (guess a reference) for recognition, nor in desperate need to trust in and be trusted by others. After all, sometimes the best dinner is one you never have to eat.

Creed

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:08:18 GMT

But it's pointless to pretend you're someone other than who you are, isn't it? And if a man who says the right thing can do the wrong thing, then surely a man who spouts wrongness can still do right. But is it better to love or be loved? There are times I tire of fighting the good fight. The real heroes may be the ones who do what others hesitate or shy from, but I'm not sure I'm up to that.

Innocence proves nothing. No one is safe, nothing is sacred. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. We are the last line of defence. Where fear has gone only we will remain. We will burn our own to hold the red line, it is the last line to ever hold.

Do it.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:55:11 GMT

Just... Just stumble and fall, roll over and die. It's a wonderful prospect, albeit one I can't see myself doing. Unwilling to die, yet reluctant to live; is it the mark of a true coward that he dares not end himself, and that his living on is not out of a self-willed desire to truly live, but the inevitable result of his unwillingness to die? Epiphanies are easy to lose, results may vary... Sometimes, stuff just doesn't work (out).

Futility of heroism

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:22:08 GMT

After some thought I've realised that the endeavour to be a hero is futile, for the level of purity demanded against this dank, benighted world is a tough call for all but the very best of us. The very best is the issue here, for by definition only a very few will achieve it. It's far better to do only what's required. In this war of idealism versus cynicism, I have to respect those who can remain true to themselves and their goals. It's just so taxing to give my all; so much easier to settle for mediocrity, to dwell in fantasies where one has failed in reality (you may guess what I mean if you've been following my train of thought). On the one hand it is foolish, stupid, to be disdained; on the other, think about it realistically, cynically if you insist on using the term, and give me a response if you still must after having thought it through.

Every journey begins with...

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:56:15 GMT

Well, I guess I've taken a step towards dealing with a persistent obsession, but the issue is whether I can finish well... That I'm not sure about.

Problems

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:03:58 GMT

I'd quite honestly like to think that I can lift myself up from my emotional and mental crippling, that I can go out bravely and get shot down repeatedly only to keep getting back up like a Terminator. Were it so easy. I've struggled with this for so long - would it be too much to ask for others to see me as I truly am and not scamper away in fear of the best within? Fantasies can only take you so far, and yet for some they're everything. How foolish, maybe...?

It's so easy...

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:29:15 GMT

To belittle the self. Which may explain why fantasies are so appealing?

I'm still not sure what to make of my new place. I like the higher perspective, but the travelling time's a real concern.

Maybe

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 16:06:56 GMT

Sometimes, all we need is to discard the resentment, learn to appreciate our good qualities instead of focusing on wrongdoings past and imaginary.

Were it that simple.

There was maybe the sudden cold epiphany...

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:56:51 GMT

That you were trying to be a hero.

Or was it me?

Maybe it was me. Maybe we could all stand to try and express ourselves, but get slapped down for it. I guess some thoughts don't stick as well as they should, but all of us want to have hope, do we not? Death is so easy to consider, but it is never that simple and clean as one may have been led to believe. I don't talk much about going out, but not for deliberate refusal of opportunities as for lack of opportunities thereof. I simply don't have many people to ask me to get out with.

There lies a question, though - is it better to have the few you can trust almost absolutely, or many who you may not? It's not easy to answer. I want to do something with lasting impact, but is it too prideful to ask for that? There is something worth saying, I should think, about living a little less responsibly, making a mistake (or two, or many?) and not getting chewed out for it.

I'm such a fool and idiot. I'm under no delusions of being a hero, or even a good man. Yet none of this seems to help. I've always been brought up in the ways of Order, so giving way to Chaos is almost unthinkable for me... and I doubt it'll do any good.

Needs a title.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:43:49 GMT

I wonder if the distances are unavoidable, if we could have avoided all this fuss and mess. I am not sure we could have, though. A monster that recognises the tomato in the mirror has an ingrained instinct to keep a distance from others, even those it wants to be closer to. Some mantles are just too hard to cast off, though... I find myself taking some things far too hard, and others not strongly enough. I wonder, though, exactly which influences I should have had and which ones I should have avoided to have changed my life drastically for the better?

I think I still suffer from failure to identify and mistaken identity.

What.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:47:34 GMT

Zen, and the struggle to put aside personal happiness, to recognise that accepting myself for who I am goes against an unhealthy number of legal and moral precepts. Perhaps the good of the community and society is worth the personal costs? Maybe I am just deluding myself.

Would I be a fool to hold it against myself?

The difficulty of honesty

Thu, 28 May 2009 15:48:06 GMT

I fear the difficult thing is to be honest. I honestly want to tell people what I feel, but in a "civilised society", some truths are not tolerated. To tell what I honestly feel and want is difficult at best, something that will land me in IMH or prison at worst. If I struggle with honesty in the big and vital things, how can I count on myself to be honest in the small things? Speaking about honesty, how many people actually care? Our desire is to flee from the unpalatable truth. I want to be honest, but so help me, I find it difficult to be honest with some of the people that matter. I know I should not be so concerned with such trifling matters, but I do fall victim to bleeding heart syndrome you know. I am not devoid of emotion, even if my difficulty in controlling my facial expressions makes me seem more disturbing than I really am.

You can say that I am ungrateful, that I lack gratitude. Bother not; do you think I have failed to notice that? I struggle daily with the notion that I am flawed, a failure, a demonstration of things wrong and a would-be defiler of the pure and sanctified. Is it the nature of loathsome monsters to wish for the outstretched hand of better beings, or am I condemned to be the viper that kills the farmer in that old aesop? If you condemn me I cannot rationally hold it against you. If you prick me I may bleed, but that does not make me a "good man" any more than a common blood colour makes a * seditious comments self-censored*

Maybe it is the realisation of this cruel truth that makes me so delightfully/disturbingly, inappropriately bipolar. Does it? Maybe my insistence is actually causing this to occur where there was no real problem. The self is almost always the harshest critic; he who can believe in him who believes in himself is the strongest man, whether or not he is necessarily the moral man. I cannot help thinking that my occasional indulgence in song is some mark of insanity rather than a pathetic longing for affirmation. Maybe behind all the growling, self-mutilation and vicious head-banging of metalheads is an inability to express the self well?

Perhaps the more I say the more I damn myself. Is that not the fate of monsters, though, that honesty becomes self-destructive, and for the ones struggling to hold back their malevolent natures it is far more beneficial to stay safely in the shadows than reveal themselves to ignorant, violent humanity. I know we humans hate on our own species a real lot, but the fact is that racism is still a problem that has not been fully quelled.

Vile fantasies. I keep so much to myself that I may let it eat only at me rather than stumble others, but I wonder if this is the right thing to do, or is it preferable to let others be hurt rather than let me alone be consumed? Such a thought should be a mark of evil, but then you already know that I am a monster.

Are you a monster, then?

Thu, 21 May 2009 15:46:37 GMT

Can you ever be totally straight with others? Can you... no, I... Can I ever say things properly? I fear the answer is no. Deluded is the nature of things, when you think there are similarities even though there actually are none. To some extents a total truthiness (sic) will be as devastating as a total attitude of falsehood. It must be asked, though; Is a man who thinks himself a villain and fights to restrain his little evils from becoming worse more evil than a man who thinks himself righteous and does what he thinks he must without hesitation?

You are... I mean I am... an ass. It is that simple. The question is whether one thinks it matters. The fact is that "face" means a lot to people. It is something very few people would deny. Few are those who act without fear, unfettered by the perceptions their fellows hold of them. Me, well, I'm not one of them. Things would be very different if I was.

Did you ever consider yourself a hero then?

Mon, 18 May 2009 15:41:24 GMT

"The truest evil is not achieved by the men who think themselves the villain." - Lars, The Open Door

After considering the circumstances of the less privileged, it makes one reconsider the priorities in life. Maybe. Maybe. I wonder, for all my proclamations of desire to help and listen to others, whether I really want to help or if I am just self-deluding as - sorry, delu-DINGAS usual. Wherefore does a person truly become caring and helpful? If he finds himself having difficulty in helping the people he can see and know, because he cannot surmount the difficulties in caring for them, then surely to try and care for people he knows only from afar is foolish? Maybe these feelings of empathy are merely covering up a desire to take advantage of the weak? I understand rationally that the Devil's power is to make us think we are unloved and unwanted by God, but it is a lot harder to convince myself of this in my heart.

All these "how well do you know me" quizzes are leaving me apprehensive. I find myself unable to answer many of the questions, leaving me with the question of how little I actually know anyone. I wonder if this is meant to be some indication of the mutual connectivity of Za Warudo, and how the failure of others to know me (whether through any fault of my own is something I struggle with) affects my ability to know others.

I must admit that some of those questions of mine may have been difficult to answer. At times I swing between opinions, embodying the flip-flopper attitude if you will. You could ask me on one day how I would respond to eminent death and I would tell you that I would be dying gloriously, remembered as a hero. Sounds awfully delusional does it not? On other days I become convinced of my own worthlessness and think that there would be nothing worth seeing, worth bothering about. On yet other days I deny my own death, instead choosing to believe that it will be the enemy's. I would not fault you for choosing any of those, even if the system makes you choose. Goodbye My Lover? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah. Nice try. The problem with having crushes is that admitting who they are is a touchy business that people might want to shy from, with reluctance increasing as the number of crushes does. Certainly in this respect it constitutes part of my issues, given how in my deluded sense of care I would like ** *** ******* ******* ******* ***** * ***** ** **** **** ***. Yes, asterisks intended, and I know not who I can decipher them for without facing the judgement a monster deserves. Speaking of which, I would not be surprised that you got that question wrong if you have not been following the recurring threads on this blog, but if you have... Well, talk about being inattentive then! Therein lies a problem, namely that I fight the monster daily. It never gets easier, though, and I want to stop resisting.

Mistaken

Thu, 14 May 2009 15:31:03 GMT

You think there are similarities, looking at what goes on around you, and yet you realise that, with all this falsehood running around, you cannot be sure. Are there even parallels, or is your failure to interpret making you think there is more to matters than there really are?

TwitteRINGAS usual, I see!

Sun, 10 May 2009 15:55:56 GMT

I am still unsure of which university to choose. The opinions on Brightsparks are not helping.

I realise that things are still hard to accept; wondering if the lack of comments on this blog are meant to be negative signs. I know rationally that I am not supposed to quest after the approval of men, even godly men...

Title Needed

Wed, 06 May 2009 15:56:06 GMT

Maybe the flaw is a difficulty to notice, to pay attention. If one can only receive from others what he has done unto them, then perhaps that is the root of the problem I face. Like a vampire, taking without giving away; that is my issue. I am finding it difficult to recognise the problems others face and help them with these problems. My birthday approaches, but I feel still curiously Hollow, as if one of those beasts will arise from me.

If thoughtcrimes counted for anything in a court of law, why, I would be in prison at the least now.